LGBTQ+ | CULTURE | ECONOMY
The Relationship Gap
WORDS BY HARJAS DHILLON | HARJAS@THEIWI.ORG | 2 SEPTEMBER 2024
Women’s social and financial independence is disrupting the status quo of heterosexual relationships, but the impact of women’s liberation on LGBTQ+ relationships is harder to assess as there is much less data on this subject.
Historically, women married men not only for love, but also to meet certain expectations and needs: financial support, social acceptance and raising children. In many modern societies, women can now achieve these independently. As more women enter higher education and the workforce, it has become possible for women to financially support themselves, and in many cases to support children and other family members as well. Western society has also made significant progress in de-stigmatising ways of loving others and raising families outside of the nuclear patriarchal family. The growing visibility of LGBTQ+ relationships and parenthood has accelerated this shift, demonstrating that love, relationships and family can thrive in a multitude of forms.
The expectation for women to be in relationships is changing, albeit gradually. The stigma attached to unmarried women in past generations could be crippling, stunting a woman’s options and perceived worth. In contrast, the intersection of individualism and feminism in modern society is validating and uplifting single women of all ages. To be a single woman is no longer shameful to the same extent – especially among younger generations. The proportion of women who marry and have children is declining around the world, including in Canada, South Korea, Australia and Europe. A study conducted by Morgan Stanley estimates that 45% of women aged 25 to 44 will be single by 2030(i).
These cultural and economic shifts have given women more options – women can now have love, sex, financial stability and children regardless of their relationship status and association with men. The traditional conception of marriage, where women relied on men for their livelihood, and men relied on women for their domestic and childcare needs, no longer serves the modern woman. Studies show that the demographic that is statistically happiest and likely to live the longest is unmarried women. Marriage decreases the lifespan of women but increases the lifespan of men, and whereas widowed men of any age are more likely to experience loneliness, have higher stress levels and die earlier, the same does not apply to widows. In fact, widows are likely to have lower levels of stress after the death of their husband than during the marriage. Studies have linked these findings to women taking on caregiving roles and being more likely to feel frustrated and restricted within marriage, as well as to women maintaining better social relations and emotional support networks outside of marriage.
As many women now grapple with the reality of being in relationships and marriages where they are providing for men but are not benefitting in return, the result in many cases is women simply walking away. Love as a driving force of marriage should not be overlooked, but it is often insufficient to sustain a relationship when the more practical aspects are non-functional. The link between inequality of domestic labour and divorce or relationship instability is well established across multiple countries. However, the impact of women’s increasing financial independence has not yet been fully explored. A study by the University of Chicago found that the likelihood of divorce increases by 50% if a woman earns more than her husband. Yet, the study also found that wives who earned more than their husband were still spending more time on domestic labour and childcare than their husband. The researchers considered that the combination of these two factors (women earning more and still taking on more domestic labour) helped explain the higher likelihood of divorce(ii).
As women reject relationships in favour of independence or more casual affairs that promise fewer obligations, men are being left out of the equation. In previous generations men may have had the upper hand in courtship – women were more in need of marriage and had more to lose from singlehood, so the power to be choosy generally lay with men. Now, the tide is turning as fewer women are showing an interest in dating. There has been a proliferation of social media posts commenting on this imbalance, either lamenting how women are too picky and have it “easier” trying to find a date, or encouraging women to raise their standards and refuse to settle. It is unsurprising then that straight men comprise 62% of dating app users(iii). Even the women who do date are not necessarily choosing young men, or men at all. In 2022 it was estimated that among young adults in the US, 34% of women were single, compared to 63% of men(iv).
A concerning consequence of this ‘relationship gap’ is the impact it has on men’s wellbeing and, as a result, the wellbeing of those around them. Loneliness in young men is rising, and is exacerbated by the lingering culture among men that rejects emotional intimacy. Loneliness can have devastating consequences on male mental health and is widely understood to be a leading cause of the rising rates of suicide among young men around the world. Alternatively, these feelings of isolation, unfairness and powerlessness can manifest in aggressive forms, such as through incel communities and violent behaviour. Young men are drawn to figures like Andrew Tate who allow them to place blame on others – namely women – instead of looking inwards at how they can become better, more emotionally intelligent friends and partners.
The key to preventing these harmful outcomes lies in supporting men to adapt to the shifting relationship dynamics, especially through education. Currently, education for children and young adults in emotional intelligence, wellbeing and relationships is vastly inadequate. By educating men on how to be better partners, and how to seek and provide emotional support through friendships, we can close the relationship gap and empower men and women to attain healthier forms of relationship and family.
i. Morgan Stanley, Rise of the SHEconomy, September 2019, available here: https://www.morganstanley.com/ideas/womens-impact-on-the-economy
ii. The University of Chicago Booth School of Business, When Women Earn More than their Husbands, February 2013, available here: https://www.chicagobooth.edu/media-relations-and-communications/press-releases/when-women-earn-more-than-their-husbands
iii. Psychology Today, What’s Behind the Rise of Lonely, Single Men, August 2022, available here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-state-our-unions/202208/whats-behind-the-rise-lonely-single-men
iv. Pew Research Centre, 5 facts about single Americans, February 2023, available here: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/