EUROPE | ADVOCACY & POLICY | VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
A NARRATIVE OF VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
Teresa’s Story:
Challenges faced by women in Germany when they become victims of domestic violence
WORDS BY LAURA HERMANN | 14 DECEMBER 2023
This fictional story is about a woman in Berlin who has been in an abusive relationship for many years. The perpetrator is the father of their 13-year-old son. The mother, Teresa, and her son, David, face several barriers as they go through the process of accessing public support services for women experiencing domestic violence. The aim of this story is to demonstrate the gaps in domestic violence service provision in Germany, and the struggles these women go through.
The search
Teresa dialled the number on her friend’s phone. The line was still busy. She was flipping a pen in her hand nervously as she re-tried the number. Lisa, her friend, was nursing her six-month-old daughter in the other room.
Teresa and David, her 13-year-old son, had arrived at her friend’s place late last night. Teresa did not have her phone because Ryan, her ex-partner, had taken it just before she decided to leave.
The hotline guides women who experience domestic violence through the process of leaving their abusive partner or family, and directs them towards shelters with free rooms. But the truth is: there are not enough people manning the hotline, not enough responders and not enough shelters or rooms.
After an hour of trying, she finally got through. The social worker said there was a room available in the east of the city. Teresa felt hopeful for the first time since she had left Ryan’s apartment. “Wait a moment, this shelter doesn’t allow boys over twelve. I’m sorry, that won’t work. We’ll find you somewhere in the next few days but there are no other rooms available tonight. Do you have anywhere to sleep until we find another one?” The sudden flash of hope vanished and was replaced instantly by fear. Where were they going to stay? It was already getting dark outside. “No”, she said, “We don’t. We’re not safe here at my friend’s place, he has found us here before.”
The past
This is the third time Teresa has left Ryan. He had threatened to kill her, accused her of having affairs with other men, spied on her when she was out, and took her phone away whenever she wanted to call for help.
The first time she left – three years ago, she had gone to a friend’s place and stayed for three weeks until he found her and persuaded her to come back. He had been much more apologetic back then, and had promised to change. It was only the alcohol, he had said. And why would she make David go through this? The family needed to stay together, they would figure this out.
The second time she had gone to a shelter but as she had no legal papers, she couldn’t claim unemployment benefits. The family had always lived off Ryan’s salary which he received in cash. She had decided to leave after two months because it had been too hard for her and David to survive on charity. Basic food and hygiene supplies were free in the shelter but it was impossible to live like that for more than a few months. David had needed school supplies, she needed a haircut and money to top up her new phone.
When arriving in Germany, she was full of excitement. But without the legal right to work, or even a residence permit, it was impossible to find stability and independence. She had arrived on a visa that was connected to Ryan’s.
Alone
Ryan had started going through her phone early in their relationship, jealous whenever he saw a conversation with another man, even when she promised they were just friends.
The few friends she had made since she arrived in Berlin many years ago, had one by one cut all contact with her because of the way Ryan treated them. Only Lisa remained. The other friends did not live in Berlin, and Teresa didn’t have enough money get a train ticket to the south of Germany.
Staying at Lisa’s place wasn’t an option either; it was too crowded already with her two kids in the one-bedroom apartment. Besides, it was the place where Ryan would look for her and David first, and it would put them and also Lisa and her kids in danger.
There were homeless shelters but they were in a much worse state than any other housing projects. More dangerous, too, as a woman. But in the end, she didn’t have an choice.
That evening at 6 pm, Teresa and David made their way to wait in line for a shelter. The maximum stay was three nights, and they had to leave every morning by 10am. She didn’t sleep the whole night, it was too loud, and she was scared someone would rob them. But most of all, she felt guilty for making David leave his home, and sleep in this small, cold bed that was not theirs. She started to doubt her decision.
Alone
Ryan had started going through her phone early in their relationship, jealous whenever he saw a conversation with another man, even when she promised they were just friends.
The few friends she had made since she arrived in Berlin many years ago, had one by one cut all contact with her because of the way Ryan treated them. Only Lisa remained. The other friends did not live in Berlin, and Teresa didn’t have enough money get a train ticket to the south of Germany.
Staying at Lisa’s place wasn’t an option either; it was too crowded already with her two kids in the one-bedroom apartment. Besides, it was the place where Ryan would look for her and David first, and it would put them and also Lisa and her kids in danger.
There were homeless shelters but they were in a much worse state than any other housing projects. More dangerous, too, as a woman. But in the end, she didn’t have an choice.
That evening at 6 pm, Teresa and David made their way to wait in line for a shelter. The maximum stay was three nights, and they had to leave every morning by 10am. She didn’t sleep the whole night, it was too loud, and she was scared someone would rob them. But most of all, she felt guilty for making David leave his home, and sleep in this small, cold bed that was not theirs. She started to doubt her decision.
Disbelief, Stigmatization and Victim-Blaming
She had confided in some people. One reaction struck her the most: Disbelief.
The first time Ryan lost his temper, she called his older brother. He was supportive and tried to talk some sense into his younger brother. He even invited her to crash on his couch if she ever needed to leave. But over time, he started questioning Teresa’s [MM1] perspective, maybe because she had never turned to the police. He started asking questions. Is that really what happened? Are you sure you didn’t start the fight? What did you do that provoked him?” This time, she texted Ryan’s mother. Maybe she would finally understand, even though she had always ignored Teresa’s accusations.
The answer was short. “Stop lying, Teresa. We all know you’re not telling the truth. Leave us alone and stop hurting Ryan and David. You’ve already caused enough harm”.
She sighed and put the phone back under the pillow.
Police
Teresa had thought about turning to the police but after much deliberation she decided not to. Disbelief from police officers in the past when filing a complaint had taught her not to trust them. It made her uncomfortable when they asked questions about her behavior that she did not understand herself. She couldn’t explain why she had got back to Ryan twice, and she felt ashamed hearing herself talk about it. After all, she was educated; she had learned about these things in school: how you’re supposed to speak up for yourself, especially as a woman. How to be brave. How to live an independent life, not relying solely on a man to provide for you. But the violence had started slowly. First it was only minor fights when he complained about something she had done wrong; forgetting to pay the bills, or not arriving home precisely at the time she said she would. Then he started calling her when she was out, asking why she wasn’t coming straight home after the grocery shopping. He had installed a spy app on her phone to track her movements. For safety, he told her.
The police had asked if she had any proof of the violence. If there were any witnesses, any texts, recordings, videos, if she had ever been hospitalized. Frankly, it had never been this type of violence; maybe that’s why it had taken her so long to realize that she was in an abusive relationship. Ryan never harmed her physically, and once, when she had finally had enough, and said she would report his abuse, he had responded “You wanna go to the police? What are you gonna tell them? That you’re too stupid to find your way home alone? That you’re too popular with the guys and I have to prevent you from cheating? Come on, Teresa, don’t exaggerate. Who’s really violent here, you or me? I’m only protecting you. And no one’s gonna believe you anyway.”
The following day at the police station she filed her complaint. The police officer was old and white and this made her feel uncomfortable. At first, he seemed empathetic when she mentioned domestic violence and stalking, but the more questions she couldn’t answer, the more times she said she did not have proof, the more he seemed to doubt what she was saying. She noticed the way he scanned her, obviously deciding what category to put her in. Whether her story was credible or not.
So, no, she would not go again this time. It wouldn’t change anything. It may even make it worse since Ryan would receive a letter about her complaint which certainly would enrage him even more.
Relief
The three nights in the homeless shelter had been terrible, and the voice inside her head told her she was harming David. She was on the phone all the time, desperately trying to find a room in a women’s shelter.
On their second day, she got a different answer. They could move into a room with two beds in the women’s shelter in Tempelhof. It was a quiet district, and far away from Ryan. Teresa was relieved.
They met the social worker at a café close to the shelter. The conversation was short, she didn’t have to explain much, which calmed her down. The room was spacious but warm. They had two beds, a desk, a wardrobe and a big window. They both slept ten hours that night.
A few weeks passed, and she established a new routine. There was a school that had a place for David. Things started to look a little brighter. The social workers put her in contact with a lawyer that could help her file a request for her own residence permit which would allow her to be eligible for benefits. Or even find work in her profession as a marketing designer.
Gender-Based Violence and Violence Against Women in Germany
1) Systemic Gaps in Service Provision
Teresa’s story is the reality of many women in Germany – and throughout Europe. There are 380 shelters for women in Germany. This may seems like a high number but the rooms available nowhere near meet demand, and shelters have to turn down requests on a daily basis.
The Council of Europe Convention on Preventing and Combating Violence Against Women and Domestic Violence (Istanbul Convention) requires states to provide one family spot in a shelter per 10,000 inhabitants. Women don’t have anywhere to go, which often results in them staying with their aggressor. There is no legal entitlement to access a shelter for women. It is a devastating situation.
Another systemic barrier that Teresa faces concerns her visa. Since she arrived in Germany with the purpose of family reunification, her legal permit to stay in the country is connected to her ex-partner. Changing the purpose of the visa is very difficult, and before February 2023, was nearly impossible. In 2017, the German government declared reservations against certain paragraphs in the Istanbul Convention regarding residency which they withdrew from in the beginning of 2023 . Even though the reservations no longer exist, it remains a long administrative process to change the purpose of a residence permit, and proof of violence is requested by the State Office for Immigration.
2) Isolation
Many victims of domestic violence are socially isolated. The more contact they have with the outside world, the more likely it is that people will notice. Isolation represents a common strategy amongst perpetrators. In this way, they maintain their control over the victims.
3) Disbelief, Stigmatization and Victim Blaming
Experiencing violence is still highly stigmatized in our society. Victims feel shame, and often it takes a long time before they confide in someone. Our society is less forgiving to women who come forward, which we witnessed in the trial of Amber Heard vs. Johnny Depp . Women are questioned and blamed for not having left the relationship or having provoked the abusive behavior. Victim blaming represents one of the many aspects of our patriarchal societies, and it is not only done by men; women, too, have internalized this mechanism. Instead of believing the victim, the perpetrator is portrayed as a charming, successful, but more importantly, a more trustworthy person. What needs to change is our reaction towards allegations of violence made by women, LGBTQI+ and non-binary people.
4) Custody and Visitation Rights
The Istanbul Convention clearly prioritises the safety of victims and children when perpetrators exercise their visitation or custody rights:
“Parties shall take the necessary legislative or other measures to ensure that the exercise of any visitation or custody rights does not jeopardise the rights and safety of the victim or children.”
But too often, the safety of women and children is not considered. Domestic violence poses a great risk to a child’s well-being – and child services encourage women to leave their abusive partners. But, once the mother and the children have found shelter, child services often shift their focus away from the violence, and instead make sure the father can exercise his custody or visitation rights, arguing that the children would suffer from “parental alienation”, a diagnosis that has never been scientifically proven (add reference).
Bundesministerium für Familie, Senioren und Frauen (2022): Bundesregierung zieht Vorbehalte gegen Istanbul-Konvention zurück, retrieved from:
https://www.bmfsfj.de/bmfsfj/aktuelles/alle-meldungen/bundesregierung-zieht-vorbehalte-gegen-istanbul-konvention-zurueck-202866 (last accessed: 11/04/2023)
Council of Europe (2011) The Council of Europe Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence (Istanbul Convention), retrieved from:https://rm.coe.int/168008482e (last accessed: 11/02/2023)
Frauenhauskoordinierung (2021) Zentrale Ergebnisse der Statistik Frauenhäuser und ihre Bewohner_innen 2020, Deutschland, retrieved from:
https://www.frauenhauskoordinierung.de/fileadmin/redakteure/Publikationen/Statistik/2021-11-15_FHK-Kurzfassung-Statistik_final.pdf (last accessed: 11/02/2023)
Frauenhauskoordinierung (2022) Bundesweite Frauenhaus-Statistik 2021, Deutschland, retrieved from: https://www.frauenhauskoordinierung.de/fileadmin/redakteure/Publikationen/Statistik/2022-11-01_Langfassung_Frauenhaus-Statistik_2021_FHK.pdf (last accessed: 11/02/2023)
i. Frauenhauskoordinierung 2022: Bundesweite Frauenhaus-Statistik 2021, Deutschland
ii. Family spot = 2,5 people, meaning one woman and the average number of children in Germany, which is 1,5
iii. ibid
iv. Bundesministerium für Familie, Senioren und Frauen (2022): Bundesregierung zieht Vorbehalte gegen Istanbul-Konvention zurück
v. Hinsliff, Gaby (2022) ‘It’s harmful and humiliating’: how Amber Heard’s haters undermine the victims of domestic violence, The Guardian
vi. Council of Europe (2011) The Council of Europe Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence (Istanbul Convention)